Just Call Me Butch

NEW YEAR NEW BEGINNINGS

2006-01-09T19:46:00.000-08:00

Well the New Year is here and I have decided to do something about my weight-- since "S" disappeared i have gained so much weight and am so disgusted with myself so I talked with a friend who is selling Herbal Life and have begun their weight loss program. I really like it ..basically ALL natural products.. i drink two protein shakes and take vitamins etc three times a day then have a regular meal. The shakes are very tasty-- i just got vanilla and the vitamins dont have any yuckky aftertaste. I started on News Years day and i do feel better - i think i have lost some pounds but to be honest i didnt weigh myself before i started because i really didnt want to know. i figure i will be able to tell when my clothes are loose!! hows that for scientific?

i have also signed up on a couple lesbian dating sites
HER SHE KISSES
and
GAYDARGIRLS
but havent gotten any responses! I have met a totally outrageous 71 yr gal and we have emailed back and forth but other than that nothing. So will just wait and see. I havent seen anyone on either site that perks my interest but i will continue to browse!!! If its supposed to happen it will happen.!
Finally got the xmas tree and decorations down this past weekend- and am now preparing to have cork floors put in my bedroom and the formal living room so have to move everything out of those two rooms... i have been super busy trying to get all this done as the installer is coming this wednesday. I HATE carpet and with four cats its always a nightmare plus it is off whitey kind of beige so it shows every little speck of dirt. Thankfully the carpets through out this entire house are gonna be non existent here soon and frankly i cant wait. ok break time is over -- back to pack and move... more later

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCOTT

2006-01-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

Today is my son's 34th birthday
HOLY COW-- where do the years go???
As a teenager I wouldnt have given u two cents for him-- it was like a total stranger moved into my house but thankfully he grew through those horrible years and today is he is a responsible, caring, humorous, wonderful man who i couldnt be more proud of--
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCOTT
may today bring you all the joy posssible and be another new beginning in your life--

ITS A NEW YEAR!!!

2006-01-02T21:06:00.000-08:00

Well the New Year is here and I am ready for it-- i have started a program to loose all the damn weight i have gained-- HERBALIFE-- a friend is a distributor--
I started yesterday and am please with the products --
its basically drinking two shakes/day and then eating a normal meal-- taking vitamins, and other herbs to keep energy level up ...

the vanilla shake is quite tasty and no chalky aftertaste .. the vitamins are good too- no weird taste, and no indigestion from them-- the herbal tea is super- has a lemon flavor and can be mixed up in either hot or cold water-- it has something that boosts your energy level so i havent even wanted to take a nap the last two days--

i have also signed up on a couple of on line lesbian personal sites--
Her She Kisses
Gaydargirl

all the Tarot Cards are pointing to a new relationship so heck i figured i would give this a shot-- who knows?

i am also cleaning out ALL my closets, drawers, and anything else that isnt nailed down-- so the house is a nightmare right now but boy it will be soooooooooo good when all this stuff is ORGANIZED-- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ok gotta get the trash ready to go out tomorrow-- plus i am having a dinner party here tomorrow nite for my good friends Cindy, Tom and their two boys Sean and Brendon-- so got lots to do--

more later

Just thoughts

2005-07-22T15:53:00.000-07:00

Well its been ages since i have posted here- so much has been going on - -new flagstone patio and pond being layed, landscaping done, and just "life" in general!

My experience with Match.com proved to be a wash-- no one i was really interested in and basically no responses from anyone.... its too bad that EHarmony.com doesnt have gay and lesbian sign up-- i have straight friends who have found successful realtionships with them and have been impressed with the way the site is run....

My friend, Suzie, the psychic, continues to assure me that the love of my life is out there and this person will be everything i have ever wanted....there are times i believe this and then there are times when that little voice whispers "there is no way"...

at 61 i dont go to bars, i dont have hardly any gay friends, and i live in a small town where there isnt alot of opportunity to meet anyone.. most of the women on Match.com didnt smoke, or drink-- so that right there is a turn off i guess-- i dont drink to excess -- those days are long gone-- but my friends and i enjoy having drinks and dinner....

i wonder how and where this person will come into my life-- and IF there really is someone out there who will meet my expectations and really be "everything i have ever wanted"???????

i am basically content in my life now.. i have wonderful, caring friends, a supportive family with my son and his wife and grandson... i enjoy my new home and am making improvements to it on a continuing basis....plus i have my art which brings me great satisfaction...( http://www.creativedistortion.com) so i am not unhappy or lonely really... but it would be nice to have that special person to share everything with ....

so if there is anyone reading this who might be interested in a 61 year old fun loving gal leave a comment and i will get back to ya!!!!!

oh by the way- the Invoking Ritual was very interesting-- totally different from the Banishing one-- and most of us were invoking a realtionship-- and Lorraine is now with what seems to be a wonderful loving incredible man..so maybe there is hope for me too!!!!!

BANISHING RITUAL

2005-04-12T19:45:00.000-07:00

well a miracle has happened- -- i am free of you--- amazing-- really!!!

a friend came over last friday nite and we did a BANISHING RITUAL-- i know it sounds crzy and to some it probably puts the fear of God in you-- but it worked-- and it was very interesting

i belong to a metaphysical group that meets once a week and "L" from the group did the ritual-- it was simple -- basically what it boiled down to was writing all the things i wanted to BANISH from my heart and life-- on a coffee filter and throwing it a fire... i had 3 coffee filters ..made lists of ALL the things i wanted out of my life--

you of course were at top of list however i couldnt use ur name -- but i listed- i wanted to banish the pain, the heartache, the betrayal, the lack of trust, and i wanted those people who didnt have my best interest at heart to get the hell out of my life-- u and anyone else who may be hanging around--

i cried some and was also surprised at some things i hadnt consciously thought of that came up to jot down--

as crzy as this sounds the second that filter burned i felt lighter-- better-- L said things would happen very fast --

i have really felt different all week long and saturday nite i was doing some art when i examined exactly how i felt differently---

i am not hurting anymore-- i am not bitter-- or cynical-- i dont think about u-- i dont go over all the lies and the deception a million times a day-- i am somehow at peace with all of this and have let the pain and heartache disappointment and anger GO......

i feel fantastic-- more energy-- getting so much more done around the house-- no naps everday-- up at a decent hour--

i dont know how this ritural works i can just attest that it DOES WORK-- so hurrah for me

this friday "L" is coming over for a INVOKING RITUAL-- we are gonna invoke all the good things we want in our lives and i guess do about the same things-- i dont know for sure as she hasnt gotten back to me on details

another weird thing happened last week-- had three tarot cards read and the message was to get out more and meet more people -- "the one" is out there waiting --
on the way home i was thinkin about it and said out loud -- where am i gonna meet anyone--i dont go to bars, i am 61 years old, most of my friends are straight -- so ??? a voice loud and clear said "online" which i really wasnt thrilled about -- been there done that in a way - -and DONT want to do it again -- but the voice continued and said this time it will be different -- just try it..
i forgot about it-- went to get my hair cut and suzie had out of town friends stop by -- they had just been married a year-- and so i asked - where did u meet-- answer-- ONLINE-- i about fell out of my chair--- and of course they all said this was a message for me---they met thru EHARMONY.COM but it is only for "straight" people-- **sigh**

so today -- i decided to give it a try-- and signed up on MATCH.COM since they have lesbian searches--

filled out the profile-- and guess we will see what happens---

another damn dream of you...

2005-03-11T20:18:00.000-08:00

i dreamt that i was accused of murdering you.. an older man kept questioning me and saying that i had killed you... i told him that i had just spoken to you two weeks ago and that you were very much alive but he didnt believe me...and kept after me...bonbarding me with the fact that i had killed you and that i needed to confess ...

then he started pulling out family pictures and questioned me about who the people were, when they were taken, what you had said about them... i simply kept repeating that " i didnt know anything about them except some were of your sons but i didnt know when they were taken or anything about them....he continued to drill me but the same answer always came from my lips..

i finally decided to go to tennesse and see for myself if you were still alive... and lo and behold you were.. you looked just the same, talked just the same but when i took your hand it wasnt yours...and i confronted you and then this strange person said that you were dead and she was your best friend and had taken over your body... becasue she didnt want you to be dead...

i awoke confused, frustrated, and in shock..

i talked to my friend suzie who is a psychic and dream anaylsis person -- here is what she had to say

first of all everyone in the dream is ME
the fact that the "man" was accusing me of killing you - has to do with the fact that our love is dead...the feelings that you had for me are dead-- buried- and gone....and in some respects i am dead...emotionally afraid, unable to trust myself.

the family picture questioning is that i really didnt know much about your family-- not really - just what you told me and i am not really sure any of that is true now...my answer of "i dont know" is FACT-- I DONT KNOW ANYTHING about you..

the ending of the dream where you are someone else is bascially the fact that the person i thought you were i is not who you are..so that person is gone....you turned out to be someone totally opposite of what i thought u were...and in reality the person i thought you were is DEAD...

suzie said that the dream is good - it is so much beter to process in sleep than awake-- better to be asleep than crying and questioning and wondering and trying to figure out how you could betray me so maliciously-- dreams allow us to "get through" some of these things and this will pass in time...

i do feel much better than last week...stronger, not spiraling downward with the same old questions, same old memories.. i feel like i am back up on my feet again .... and that is GOOD...

maybe the roller coaster is getting ready to stop....

sun goddess

2005-03-05T13:28:00.000-08:00

ahhh FINALLY a beautiful, sunny, WARM day... hopefully spring is here and dreaded winter has disappeared... I HATE COLD WEATHER... good thing i live in florida!! i cant imagine snow, ice, and sub zero temperatures. i am wimp when it comes to cold--anything below 60 i am wrapped in a cocoon of clothing...

but today -i got to work in my yard and plant my new batch of minature roses i ordered on QVC... i got 12 roses, 6 rudbeckia, 6 astibles, last week and they needed to be planted so i was thankful today was so beautiful. it was great to feel the suns warmth and have my hands in the dirt again ... oh how i have missed being outside for the last serveral months... i love gardening - it is one of my passions and it does my soul good for sure!!

tomorrow i will head for home depot for more dirt-- seems weird to have to buy dirt... but since i am potting these until my landscape design is voted on and approved guess i have no choice.

i have been in my house a year now- i am so happy here - i am on a small lake-- sandhill cranes come to visit and eat the whole corn i put out for them-- last year i had an entire family-- mom, dad, baby--it was awesome...

the only drawback was daddy crane pecked some mammoth holes in my porch screening - the cats freaked him out.. and he just machine gunned down the length of the porch punching holes as he went along...

it was too late by the time i figured out what the noise was... i ended up putting potted plants along the edge so he couldnt reach the screens... but basically the damage was done.

dad crane

mom,dad.baby

mom and baby

ENOUGH!

2005-03-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

enough of this slobbering... and feeling sorry for myself... enough i say...

i was betrayed, lied to, and left reeling with confusion and self doubt...but i rose out of those ashes and i was doing well and i can do well again...it is MY CHOICE as to what i think about or what i cry about... and now it is really time to move on from this and put it behind me...

i will NEVER have the answers i so desperately search for... because there are no answers... seron is very ill and lives in fear and negativity... hiding in her SIMS games...never interacting with anyone outside her small duplex in tennessee... she is the tragic one NOT ME... and i refuse to allow her to dominate my thoughts any longer...i refuse to allow her to drag me down and keep me there...

i am better than this... stronger...yesterday was simply a bad day -- today is a new day-- and better because i made it better....

there is someone out there for me...someone honest, caring, generous, stable, and i will find them -- but i cant find them if seron invades my space and my mind-- i KNOW that for a fact... and i MUST keep that in front of me and fight against those days when i feel myself being sucked into the pain again...

Rollercoaster

2005-03-03T12:23:00.000-08:00

i am so ready for the roller coaster to stop...so ready to not have thoughts and dreams of you... so ready to move on with out you...and yet i am caught in the fly paper of your love...stuck and struggling to be free...

i was doing so well there for a while and then christmas came filled with the memories of our first christmas together..then january 17th our first year anniversary...and then the dreaded valentines day that sucked me into the spiraling vortex of pain and loss and threw me back on the treadmill of neverending questions...

i break down and call you...vomiting questions...begging for answers...you hang up on me.

What else would i really expect? the only thing you do so very well is avoid... in one way or another...

after all you disappeared in the dead of nite after telling me how happy you were, how much you loved me-- and then while i lay sleeping you packed your computer and your cat and simply slipped off swallowed up in the darkness of early morning...

i wake at 5am to find you not in bed..and roam thru the house looking for you but you are no where to be found so i check the garage ... the garage door is opened but your car is gone-- my first thought is " pretty dern early to go get cigarettes" and as i turn i glance to see the cat litter gone...i call sabel but he doesnt come and i rush into the computer room to find your computer gone.... it is then i realize the horrible fact that you have run away...

the one thing i was so afraid of happening- the one thing you continually reassured me WOULD NEVER HAPPEN...has just happened....

i find the disjointed,rambling, insane note accusing me of mentally abusing you and taking away your self esteem hours later... my friend thea is here reading it to me and throws the small red notebook on the kitchen counter shreking "this is total bullshit...there is no way you would ever abuse anyone...my god she lead a fairy tale life with you...what the hell is she thinking? this is ALL ABOUT her and nothing about you"

most of my other friends voiced the same reaction pretty much... shock, disbelief, and finally just bullshit..."she obviously has some pretty severe mental problems"...."you are lucky she left when she did instead of waiting a year or two."

no healthy person leaves all their personal possessions-- all their clothes, the basically brand new furniture they had just purchased , family pictures, grandma's quilt... their dead brothers picture... yes i packed all those momentos up and sent them back to you and never even got an acknowledgement you had received them

...but you had never once asked for them - nor made any plans to get them--

you are now 1,000 miles away and have shut and locked the door on "us" escaping once again into THE SIMS 24 hours a day...manipulating fake people with fake lives ...how tragic seron...how very very tragic....

i find no comfort... i am at a loss still after all this time...there is not a day that passes that somehow you dont wiggle your way into my thoughts....sometimes the roller coaster careens down the track totally out of control headed for oblivion and i think it is then my heart breaks the most --

other times it is quiet and slow barely inching along and for a short period of time the pain isnt quite as bad...
i am waiting for the day when the roller coaster stops and i can simply throw back the safety bar and exit the car...

then you will be out of my life, mind, heart...god i hope that day is soon...